You know, I don’t have a lot of experience reading men’s magazines. Mostly b/c I am not a man! And I get tired of reading the jocular buddy-buddy tone that infuses most articles (which is not to say there aren’t some good ones, like Maxim‘s investigative piece on the suspicious deaths of women in the military. Quite surprising coming from a borderline-pornographic magazine dedicated almost solely to the objectification of women…but I guess women aren’t as hot when they’ve been beaten to death by their boyfriends). Sometimes I feel sorry for men, b/c they do not seem to have as many magazines as the ladies. When I go to the gym, I can choose btwn. Cosmo and Glamour and Marie Claire and Redbook &c. &c to tell me that I’m not good enough and had better do some extra sit-ups. And buy some new eyeshadow. Men need to feel inadequate too! They deserve to be criticized for having puny muscles and poor grooming, and offered the appropriate products to alleviate those ills!
And then there’s those crazy women! They are so complicated! They keep talking about “feelings” and “taking responsibility.” And what’s w/ all the eyeshadow? Why is it all the same color? What’s a guy to do? Never fear! Men’s Health has come to your rescue. While it may not be able to explain women, it can help you CONFUSE them. Thus distracted, they will be unable to use their wiles on you. To this end, Men’s Health (which boasts a circulation of 1 million +, making it the second most popular men’s magazine in the country) has provided a list of ways to “seduce her in 10 minutes.”
OH MY GOD, I thought. THEY KNOW ABOUT THE POLAR BEARS. Except, oh, wait never mind. Forget I said that. Here are a few highlights from the actual article, along w/ a few editorial comments from Yours Truly, who happens to be A Woman, and thus feels qualified to comment!
Her brain quickly vets your height and facial symmetry the moment you meet. Now convince her of your character. Approach confidently; don’t pretend to bump into her. “Men tend to talk to each other at angles to avoid confrontation,” says Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of . “But women face each other head-on and maintain eye contact.”
So, dude, you have to be handsome. That’s what “symmetrical” means. Do they make male eyeshadow? You’d better get some. Also, don’t sneak up behind her, even if your bros do it all the time and think it’s HILARIOUS. Believe it or not, that’s a turn-off! Crazy, right? But it must be true–the anthropology lady said so!
A good handshake isn’t a shortcut to her bed, but a bad one can doom you. Hands are loaded with tactile nerves, and people with weak, clammy handshakes were perceived as shy and neurotic in a recent University of Alabama study. So hold your drink in your left hand and give her a firm but not bone-crushing grasp. Pay attention to her grip as well: The same study showed that women who give firmer handshakes tend to be more adventurous.
If you have a crappy handshake, no one will EVER love you. EVER. Also, if you are left-handed! That’s the bad news. You know, I was taught that a firm handshake makes a person seem more assertive and confident, and made people take her more seriously. But ACTUALLY it’s lady-code for “I’m a slut!” WHO KNEW?
The most attractive women prefer deep-voiced men, according to a recent study by Scottish researchers. It suggests high testosterone levels, a sign of strength and reproductive prowess. Push out air with your diaphragm, not your throat. This lengthens the column of air moving past your vocal cords. “It’s like a built-in subwoofer,” says voice coach Joanne Joella.
I think you know what you need to do. Yep, start taking steroids. And if she’s not attracted to your newly deepened voice, it’s okay, b/c she’s probably ugly!
Say something that will draw out details about her. “Your friends seem nice—how did you get to know them?” is a compliment and a window into her past. Forming a bond will release dopamine, a mood booster in her brain. Show off your interest with verbal nods of agreement (“uh-huh,” “go on”), adds Alex Pentland, Ph.D., an MIT professor….
The ability to convincingly feign interest is an important part of seduction; obviously w/e she’s saying won’t actually be interesting. Put yourself on autopilot and imagine her naked instead. Alternatively, you can just slip her some L-DOPA in order to simulate that mood-bosting effect; no conversation required! Better still, one of the documented side-effects is excessive libido! Just get out of there before the other ones (including hair loss and gastrointestinal bleeding) kick in.
We all know to ask lots of questions and to avoid flat-out boasting. But don’t sell yourself short. “Women listen very carefully for signs of status and wealth,” says Fisher….Another crucial conversation tip: Talk at the same pace she does and she’ll consider you intelligent, kind, con-fident, and ambitious, according to a University of Maryland study.
Haha, women are so shallow! Also, stupid. Make sure to talk slowly and use small words, so she doesn’t think you’re a meanie (that’s ladyspeak for condescending snarge).
Attraction causes couples to mirror each other’s body language. But don’t be overeager to connect. Stay relaxed and let her set the tone, says Lisa Clampett, founder of the Matchmaking Institute. Fidgeting conveys nervousness and triggers the empathetic release of stress chemicals in her brain….
Whatever you do, don’t release the stress chemicals. She might want to talk about her feelings!
If you’ve made the right sort of first impression, she might be wondering how you are in bed. “Consciously or not,” says Fisher, “she’s looking for signs that you’re patient and sensitive to the ways her body finds pleasure.” So talk her through the jukebox options….
Oh yeah. SHE thought she was asking you about the latest RHCP album. You know better.
The article ends after number 7, but I think they have left out a v. important thing. Number 8: Act like a vampire! We all know how much the ladies love those nocturnal men of mystery. So buy a cape! Slather your chin w/ fake blood (ketchup and warm water will do in a pinch). Loom creepily in dark corners and claim sensitivity to the light. The ladies will be lining up in no time.
It comes as a relief to see that women aren’t the only ones getting ludicrous romantic advice. It’s just too bad that all the magazine seeks to reduce the subtle alchemy that characterizes the interaction btwn. to people into some standard recipe for success. What this advice boils down to is tips on how to pretend to connect w/ someone in order to trick her into thinking you care about her, so that she’ll sleep w/ you. It sounds mercenary, and it is. You know what else it is? Wrong.